Following Your Head or Your Heart?

Suddenly, I feel like that once naïve 18-yers-old boy again. I am holding the motto of living in real for so long and so hard and now I am falling into a fantasy. My head is struggling but my heart is going away. I am lost and scared. Once again, a big title jumps in front of me: following your heart.
Ok, it is not a movie or some kind of novel where we know that we are going to cry for the happy ending. We are living in a life where things are not working as they are in fairytales. We can't just have a head fever of heart following and lost in the wonderland. Alice had a pair of magic shoes to take her home. She was lucky that a good witch gave them to her but we will have to make our own with every single piece of our heart and swallow the pain seeing those fragile pieces gone with the wind without konwing when we are going to collect them altogether again.
So there is no wonderland for us. Again we live in real and a realistic head is what keeps us safe. Then why is there no such expression as: follow your head. I think it may because when your heart is really beating fast, it sucks the blood all over the body and manages to take over your mind. You still have a choice. However, how many of us can really kill it at the moment before we lose our mind; how many of us can stop wondering if this is the right time, this is truly real, and we are going to end happily? Should we take the risk?
Or maybe we can follow neither. Some of us will say: just enjoy the moment and see how it goes, take it easy. I do believe for me sometime,'take it easy' is something easier said than done. If it makes your heart flying away, it is not something you can just take it easy any more. Heart follower then will argue that if you don't gather the courage, you won't get anything. If you don't try you don't win. I guess so. But if all your past experience tells you that every time your heart has been beating like this the next thing you know is looking for the broken pieces, will the conclusion be the same?
Now, it is just like an illusion for me, like a fountain in a desert, that I don't know if I am cheating myself. My heart is still beating and my head is still struggling. If this makes me a head follower, I don't know how long I can hold the place. Maybe I should write my motto on my face.

Romantic Fantasy

My friend, Yu, was talking about the most romantic scene of his fantasy. He said the scene would be a raining day. He was running for a shelter. Suddenly, out of no where, a careless guy ran into him. Both of them fell over. Yu's documents were then all over the place. The careless guy who was also super handsome kindly helped him to put everything all together. They couldn't help laughing by looking at other and realised how funny they looked in the rain. They went for a warm cup of coffee afterwards and exchanged the number. A great romance of the history then began, at least in Yu's fantasy.

Yu might have watched too much TV. But this is then left to me to think about what is the most romantic scene in my dream. No matter we are aware of it or not, we all have one of such in our mind. So I start digging. There are so many things that are tagged with romance: flowers, champagne, beach, candles, lake…..and raining (apparently). When I am going through all these things I stop my step in front of a little thing, or rather an enormous thing: the star.

I always like just looking at the stars in the dark sky and trying to figure out all the constellations. England has a clear sky. Every time I happen to walk alone in the night, I can't help to raise my head. I look at the stars and I feel calm and peaceful. I can't remember any trouble I was going through in the day. Maybe that's the power of those sparkling fairies of the heaven. If I could, I will find a place to sit down, probably on a lawn and enjoy the moment. I need no drink or smoke to cheer me up. The happiness grows deep from me with no reason. The wrong I have fades and leaves me to be pure and clear. The little diamonds in the sky are magical that block all the sorrows away. They are the witness of countless the most romantic loves and I know they will be mine too.

Right this moment, a gentle breeze passed over and woke me from the fantasy. Suddenly, I felt a piece of me was empty and I started to seek a shoulder to rest, a hand to hold, a face to kiss, and a mind to share. The only thing missing in the romanic scene of mine was someone else. The lawn was still silent and the fairies were still sparkling up there. The romance of mine is still waiting for me in somewhere I haven't passed. So I collected myself and lighted a cigarette, and I realised that it would make me a cheap date.

Monogamy or Polyamory

Polyamory is such a rare word. Apparently, poly is the Greek for many and amor is Latin for love. Homosapiens are smart because we make things simpler. So another equivalent (but technically not identical) of this word was coined in 1972 by Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill in their book: Open Marriage. Unfortunately, marriage is not a concept well developed for gay people (no matter what is the reason), so another phrase comes along. Please meet out guest today, here goes: OPEN RELATIONSHIP.
Open relationship denotes a relationship (usually between two people) in which participants are free to take other partners (mainly sexual); where the couple making this agreement are married, it is an open marriage. Open relationship has been so well used inside of gay community and people may actually suspect that it is made for gay people. Monogamy is not something to mention in straight world. They follow it as instincts, moral and as stated by law. Although the law does not regulate the relationship, it regulates marriage. So is the existence of marriage justifies the existence of monogamy or just because homosexual is off the common route and marrige is barely the regulation for us so the conventional moral doesn't apply? My brain does not give me answer.
Gay practitioners of open relationship are actually smart. The relationship itself is still about two people. They love each other (at least, most of them claim so). The only thing different is they are not bounded by sex. Each of them are free to sleep with other people. Is that brilliant that suddenly, the love and the sex are totally separated?
Of course, it will be hard to argue that sex and love are inherent to each other. We don't love everyone we slept with. But is there a point that we finally find someone that we want to sleep with for the rest of our lives? How many times we have seen in a movie that right at the wedding day, the bride or groom finally find out the feeling of sleeping with the same person for the rest of their lives and freak out. Is that sad that if they just practice an open relationship, none of them will be bothered?
I think it is beautiful when they finally overcome it and realise nothing will get in their way of the commitment. I do believe that real sex means something more than fluid exchange. Under the vow of commitment, two people decided to be with each other and sacrifice their possible sexual fun out there for each other. Is this one of the point of commitment, well conventionally? Is it a concept that romance has adopted forever? I don't have anything against the polyamorist; people have the rights to choose their lifestyle. However, every time I put the term completely monogamous in my profile, I feel strange. Why are the monogamists putting down extra notes but not the open-relationship parishioners to mark polyamory in theirs? Again, that may be something beyond my understanding.
So, reader, if I have any, monogamy or polyamory, what will be your choice?

Smoking

I am a smoker. But I think I am still a good boy because I started smoke after my 18. The first time I tested this little smoking tip was the time when my heart was first broken. The problem was simple. I fall in love with one of my best straight mates. He found out and cut me out of his life. I was devastated back to that time. But now I think it is kind of funny. What an unprofessional gay that made me, to fell in love with a straight guy.

Now, that was no more than some dusted memory that makes me laugh sometimes but smoking is something left over by it, which I can't get rid of. I am not a strong smoker but I smoke. Unlike alcohol or drugs that make people high, cigarette is a dose of calmness to make me cool down and think better. Well, I think a lot. Actually, as a research student, I think that is all I do. But surprisingly, gym makes me smoke less though it won't take the cigarette out of my life. I am addictive to it. Well, smokers are barely immune to its addiction though one of my friend is, which I still find it very hard to believe.

This addiction to me is the addiction of calm and peaceful moments. We do have moments of these without smoking but I need more. I hope that does not make me greedy. I am emotional, judgmental and I have my baggage (wow it is a big one with a very dull robot). Thus before I have the moment to erase all my emotions off with a huge hang over, I need to cool down. I don't force the feelings (at least I am trying my best). I know what harm it will do if we just press all the feelings deep in our mind (I will tell you the story of my grandma one day…). Smoking helps me to get rid of the emotions softly.

However, another drawback of smoking is I can't eat fried chicken anymore. I do like fried chicken a lot. But after I saw a report said the harm done by eating a fried chicken leg is equivalent to smoke 60 cigarettes I decided to save most of my health to smoke. I might quit one day and have a big reunion with fired-chicken eaters. However, that will need a much stronger reason than my health.

By the way, below is a picture I found very interesting on the web today.

Destination

If you don't know where you are going, you are going nowhere. Horrifyingly correct isn't it? It is horrifying because when I saw this sentence I just realised that I am going nowhere. Simply because I have no idea of where I am going, all I have done for all this time is becoming nothing. I am scared. So I cool done and think really hard about where is the place I am heading. Mr. Right? That's all I have asked for. I don't know if this really makes an eligible destination. It looks so far away. I don't want to be needy and desperate but a thirst of romance is sucking my blood. But I could not give up my belief and head to seek fun. If it has been my dream since I was born, I want it. If the place where Mr Right is does not need me, I will step farther to look for him. Probably I have made too big a deal out of this. But a fool I may be, a dream I am going to.

Stunning Body

It's about 2 o'clock in the morning. I was woken up by the cold wind through my open window and couldn't go back to sleep again. I know I have to make myself go back to sleep at some point otherwise I won't be able to make the gym tomorrow, which I have to go. Working out is a good thing that I think no one will disagree. I started to go to gym about one year ago and was trying my best to make it three to four times a week. For me, it is not only to have a healthier body but more importantly, a stronger confidence, and this can be the part to make me sallow: I do think that the reason I feel less confident sometime is because of my body build is not good enough.
However, does confidence really have something to do with a stunning body? Rationally we know that personality is what counts. If you win over someone by your stunning body, you get a nice one night stand; if you win over him by your personalities, you get a nice boyfriend. But a stunning body is something you can perceive very easily. All you need to do is watching, targeting, talking up and doing the business, well sometime without the talking up part. Personality however is something you have to dig up or show off. This is the part that you have to use the term know wisely, no matter you are getting to know someone or make someone to know you.
Then, is this to say that if you are off the gay scene and you are targeting something real your personality is enough to give you full self-confidence? I like my personality, caring, witty and other good words you can find in a personal profile can be applied to me as well. But I still feel there is something missing. If we say every people is like a park that you have to go inside to find out the true nature of it, how do we send off our tickets? Here is where a stunning body comes into handy. It's like a brilliant movie preview is so important although it may not really have anything to do with the essence of the film itself. But you get the people to buy the tickets and, at the very least, win yourself a chance.
Here comes to another reason that a stunning body can easily fills up my need for confidence. We know that with such a body, the tickets are definitely going out with no problems but we never know if our guests are going to enjoy the inside of the park or not. The body is relatively a very simple matter. If it is stunning, very body is going to like it. But the same does not apply to the personality. First of all, there is something called a perfect body but there is ''no such thing as a perfect personality. You never know how other people judge yourself and there is not list of 'criteria you can follow, though at body building you have. Every gym coach will be more than happy to give you such criteria that are the guidance to the stunning body, at least the guidance they think leads to a stunning body.
So maybe, this is the real thing. A stunning body is easy to achieve and I know exactly how people will react to it and thus I feel more confident with it as what I am expecting is predictable. Or should this so called confidence here be better interpreted into feeling of safety? This may sound like fool myself but anyway, I like a good body and I am going to gym in the afternoon and so it is the time for going back to sleep now.