Summer Is Comming

So summer comes back, after two years. I am washing my t-shirts now and hopefully the sun won’t go away before I dry them.

It has been another two month since my last post here. I have my excuses, as usual. To be honest, it has been an eventful. There is good news and there are bad ones. I really shouldn’t be gossiping about myself because it is against the gospel of gossiping. Besides, it has been such an eventful in the world. We’ve got more interesting stuff going on that me.

Talking about interesting stuff in these two months, how could anyone leave the fantastic Olympic torch rally behind? The term fantastic here is both real and sarcastic. It is real because the Olympic torch rally should be a fantastic event. It goes over all continents in the world. It connects all races together. The flame goes around the global represents a union of the human kind regardless to their background, their belief or whatever uniqueness each individual may have. The essence of modern Olympic is the celebration of this great gathering of all human sprits. And who could ever miss such a chance to have some fun. Apparently, lots of us didn’t and some did manage to make this sarcastic.

Apparently, Olympic is no longer Olympic because China is hosting it. Therefore we should stand against it. Of course, because China is the host this time, we should dig out the ancient dusty history and point out that the Olympic torch rally was actually coined by Nazis making all the people who had ever been excited about any Olympic torch rally big fools. And surely we have to go on BBC 1 and say that it is only ‘slightly unfair to compare China with Nazis’. We have to attack China hard on this so we must not let anyone know that Tibet was operating a slavery system before someone really funny was exiled. We have to be pro-Tibet so we have to call it a conflict between Tibetan and Chinese, knowing that Chinese actually refers to a population includes 56 ethics groups such as: Tibetans, East and West Asian Muslims, Koreans, Mongolians and Hans, which would’ve made the phrase conflict between Tibetan and Chinese no sense. But it is obviously very unreasonable of us asking our news editors to research into such deep background. It might involve using Google, you know!!! Did you know there was a worldwide protest supporting Chinese Olympics? There were 2,000 people in London, and thousands in Paris, LA, and Australia. Ridiculous, isn’t it? Thankfully, our media mostly blocked it. What is the point of showing the positive side of China? It is not going to make any news.

Maybe it is strange to many people in UK but Chinese take Olympics every personally. The whole nation is so proud of it. Everyone would like to donate money, if the government would take it. Some western countries’ attitude had seriously hurt the feeling of 1,300,000,000 Chinese. But of course we shouldn’t care about people’s feeling from a communist state.

China is getting rich now. It is starting to share some of the world power. It is doing the 2008 Olympics, which will be better than ever. Get over it!

And enjoy a nice summer.

Don't Eat Your Muscle

Calories has become the term of evil. ‘Calorie is bad’. ‘It makes us fat.’ That is probably the generally picture of it in most of our minds now. Too much calorie can indeed kill our heart, liver and artery. But without enough calories, we won't get any better.

Before I open my big mouth to argue anything about it, I just really want to make a very misleading commercial term clear. We heard it on TV everyday that Our product only contains XXX calories each. I have no idea how could they allow this on commercials. Here, if you read at the backside of the package, you will find out that actually: 1 calorie= 1 kcal, where ‘kcal’ is the official physical measurements for energy as in ‘kilo-calorie’.

So, WHO recommends a health amount of energy for women is 2000 kcal, and 2500 for men everyday. Ideally, the energy should be evenly distributed among our three meals a day, which means if we have no snacks or sugars in between the meal, we need about 700 kcal at least per meal. Each 700 kcal is responsible for our life activities until we have the next meal. Now, look at your cereal box and find out how much energy per serving it has. Some famous brand is proud to announce their cereal to be 105 kcal per serving or something like that. That's 600kcal short of energy for your body until lunch. Here comes the good bit. Many of us will say: that's good, the other 600 kcal will go from my fat and I will get thin. Unfortunately, it doen't work like that. For many of us, the majority of the energy we consume is to support our brain activity. You may not feel as sweaty as exercising but brain consumes no less than that. But if there is not enough energy for the brain, the body get it mostly from ..fat? we wish.

Idealy, it will be carbohydrates we eat. Carbohydrates are the real green energy for our body. Unlike protein and fat, carbohydrates produces fast energy supply to our body without harmful residue but H2O and CO2. However our body can't store carbohydrates. So when our brain needs more energy than we eat, it gets from our protein, not fat which is the last choice for brain to get energy from. So what protein does our body use first for energy? Muscle. We will lose weight no doubt, as muscle weight much more than fat. But we are not getting rid of any fat. Of course, when we are down to the degree that our body has to consume fat for brain activity, our brain probably will starve and we should keep our fingers crossed hoping we won't get fired.

Don't have enough energy each meal is like eating our own muscle, unless we don't use our brain at all, again we wish.

Not Enough Women in China

It has been reported that in China now, the ratio between male and female is 100:109. It is actually so obvious to us Chinese now that it is harder and harder for men to find wives. Also as a result, women are getting pickier and pickier. This was marriage advertisement posted by some women in Beijing:

Wanted: born in 1976-1978; no shorter than 180cm; weight 75-80 kg; Beijing residency; stable income (no less than mine); not wear glasses; no spot on the face; good physical condition; responsible, hard working, good personality and good sense of humour. These conditions are not negotiable.

Yeah, the women in China can really afford to be like that. The only unfortunate thing about this post is that it was posted on Tsinghua University BBS, one of the best universities in China and it is doomed to be humoured. The following is one of the replies:

Here is a rough calculation. The number of newborn in Beijing is about 70,000 every year. Thus there are about 210,000 newborn from 1976 to 1978. Assume half of those were man, and then it’s about 105,000. Chinese average male height is now about 170cm, based on Gaussian distribution, there are about 7,000 who are 180-183cm, 4,500 of which are temporarily 75-80kg. The author of the post probably has a income of 4000 Yuan/month. Optimistically, another 1000 people is off the list. No glasses and no spot? That must be joking. If it weren't, another 3000 is probably off the list. For the rest 500, excluding married, engaged, divorced, coupled and gay…good luck sexy.

This wasn't a joke. they were real advertisement and real reply. Lots of Chinese women are like that now, simply because they can afford to. They are romantic in love but deadly realistic in marriage.

Well, I am just so happy I am gay.

Wear A Red Ribbon

1st of December is the world AIDS day, let's just try our slight effort and wear a red ribbon.

The pound that you donate for getting the ribbon does matter. But more importantly, it is the signal of attracting people's awareness of this serious issue that exists in our modern civilised world.

It is more than just asking for people's sympathy for AIDS victims. The awareness of AIDS is for the sake of very singlel one of us and it is the reason for the existence of world AIDS day. A red ribbon that is worn serves as this gentle reminder that fulfils its duty even if only one pedestrian catchs it with their eyes and gets the message.

I am trying to convince as many friends as possible to do it. Strangely, I find it is rather hard. Apparently AIDS still sounds far away from the majority of us. Because it is far away, we don't know it. Because we don't know it, we fear it. Because we fear it, we pretend that it is far away. The number of AIDS victims is rising very year in almost very country. It is actually just right behind our doorway.

So, just for the day, if you see a box of red ribbon, please donate a pound, pick one ribbon, and wear it. Some day, somehow, it will done someone good in one way or another. And that will be YOUR good deed of the day.

Wear a red ribbon.

It is world AIDS day on 1st of December. It's the coming Saturday.

Japanese Style RPGs

Since Forest gave me his old PS2 console, I am trying to get myself addicted on it so I can get my computer free. As some useful backgroup here, I am a crazy Asian game player that is crazy about Asain style Role Playing Game (RPG). Ok, maybe I should extend the backgroup a little bit more.

Asian style RPG probably is not a correct term. The gaming culture of east Asian is largely driven by China, Janpan and Soth Korea. In the case of RPG they all have developed their own uniquenesses. However, having the fact that Japan is the most develpped society there, it gives no surprise that all other Asian RPG styles are in fact a diversion from Japanese RPGs. Thus I prefere the term Japanese style RPG to Asian style RPG.

So, here comes the thing, it is so hard to find any good Japanese style RPG here in UK on PS2. If you are still not clear about what kind of RPG I am talking about, here is a hit: Final Fantacy (FF) serious. So I bought it, FF XII, the big hit from SONY. After 50 hours of playing, I have to admit it is indeed a complete show-off of SONY's technology. They have almost boosted PS's ability to the edge. Stunning computational graphics, movie standard CG, prefessional music. But still I can't help to ask meself one question: what is this game? If you still remeber the first time FF make the biggest hit on PS, or even the FFX on PS2, you will find FF XII is so different. The previous tow are pure and real Japanese style RPG. But even by saying FF XII is a combination of both Japanese and western styles will be flatering it. It's like a Dragon & Dungeon (D&D) such as Baldur's Gate.

I liked Baldur's Gate 1&2. I liked Never Winter Night too. Because by playing those games, you set yourself to be saticfied by the maximum of virtual killing, treasure hunting and it is great fun. But when I am playing Japanese style RPG, I am expecting something else and FF XII ended up disapointing me.

The beauty of Japanese style RPG is that it is like abother form of film or book. It has a very strong story line and the whole game tells you this story. By finishing a good game of such, you end up so touched by the charectors of the game, by the vivid narrative of the story itself. It is like reading a good book or watching a good film but by being actually a part of the story. It is not fair to say FF XII does not have a good story line setting. It has but the story line gets much simpler than before, even than FF X. Maybe it because SONY finally decided that it is the westerners' money it wants. After over 50 hours of playing, I felt nothing but tired, but I am sill shocked by how advance SONY's techonolgies can go. The story was told so pale. Though I am sure it had a big music group, after playing I can't recall a single tune.

So, I will have to stick to my computer for a while because one of the greatest Japanese RPGs will finally be released on its newwst Chinese version on computer. The Legend of Heroes 6: Second Chapter (ED6:SC). ED serious became famous on its third one: ProphercyMoon Light Witch (no idea why the picture I have says it is the second). That was 1996. ED4: A Tear of Vermillion, also became one of the biggest classic (they both have the PSP remake now as shown in the images, but how good are those remakes are? You are the judge). The newest of the family includes two games. The Legend of Heores 6: Sora no Kiseki (literally the trace of time) and Sora no Kiseki: SC. Of course, Falcom, the company, is no competition of SONY. It has no stuningly good CG to tell the story. But the use of its music is so amazing. Compared to SONY, professionals will say Falcom's music is bold, normal and less refined. It is jsut like everyday tune. But it is only because of that, you can sing a little bit to yourself on your home and each piece of its music gives a vivd image of that piece of the story. I think I don't need to comment on the stroy line itself as there are lots on the web but it is just good, and the game play is great fun too. As I have said, it's like reading a great book by being a part of it. Compared to ED6, FF XII is more like a BLOCKBUSTER movie with lots of special effects and big investment but The Legend of Heores is more like something you can really enjoy again and again and again. Even if you stop playing, you will keep telling its story. Now, that is a game I am talking about.

Jon's Theory on Relationship

It was a very lazy week. Again, I didn't do anything useful this week, not even writing a little bit more on this blog. I haven't spent Saturday night watching TV for long. As I just get the TV license renewed, I 'd abuse it a little bit. So Saturday night, I was lying on the bed, holding the remote in my hand, watching TV and getting fatter. The programs were surprisingly good though.

Today, Jon and I were talking about how come gay relationship is always harder than straight couple. He made some very sensible comments.

“I have a theory (i have a lot of theories, many of which are wrong) that the reason so many gay people do not find partners is because they have high standards about how things should be and find it hard to compromise. It's easier for men and women because women are very accepting of how men are and have other means of working things out. whereas, when you get two guys together, they are much more similar and so it's harder to work things out i have this theory because i find myself being like that. ”

I never doubt that one has to compromise in a relationship. I never agreed with the statement of “I am whom I am and don't expect me to change”. But this also means that one has to give up seeking the unrealistic idea of things in one's mind. The question is then that: do I have the courage to give up and is it the right time to do so?

Selfishness

"It was like a slap on my face last night, waking me up from the delusion I was in for many years. Of course, i stayed awake thinking about it till late night.It was his fault. My friend suggested that human genes were programmed to be selfish. Whatever we do are actually founded by our own selfishness. Even contributing to charity monthly is just a deed of self-indulgency. Because I think making others life better makes me happy, and there, I have a motive --- I want to be happy. It simply doesn't matter how you spend your money, charity or drugs, you just want fulfilment out of it. Just because the way that I choose to fulfil myself fall on the righteous side, it is just me being lucky.Suddenly, the values and principles I've hold up to all this while have collapsed. The world seems so pathetic. It seems like everything I do everyday, there's always something in it for me. And I was taught that when I give, I shall do it without asking for reward.Certainly what he said make sense. But something is not right, what is it?"

That was Yu's post on OUT and unfortunately I was the friend which he was blaming. There was a episode in Friends, where Phebie and Joey were arguing about whether there is something as selfishless good deed. There is none as I told Yu. Being selfish is one of the basic instinct for human to survive. The term selfish, however, does not merely refer to the actions that people actively behave for their own benefits sacrificing others'. It is rather a phenomenon or a fact that human and any other creatures are behaving for one principle selfish reason, not surviving as we normally think of but spreading our genes; if we need to die for that at some point, many of us will do. Jyri told me before of where this theory came from but I forget the qutation and the person's name (Jyri told me later that it was from Richard Dawkins). Such selfish behaviours do not need to involve any damage of others'. In fact, when the selfish behaviours of a person match the current moral standard of the society, it becomes a good deed and we call such person a kind generous gentleman/lady. Well this does look like just a matter of terminology at some aspect. If we call some selfish behaviours that benefit others to be good selfishness, there is a quotation that give a conclusion of the bad selfishness we are talking about:

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes – Oscar Wilde

So, don't do that!

New Life

It has been ten days that I haven't updated this blog. May I use that universal excuse again that I have been very busy? It is true that I have been literally living on Red Bull for a week. My room looks like a dungeon hole. Well, I have made the resolution that I will recollect myself and see Andy more often. Who's Andy? Well that will be a funny story. My friend, Yu, always suspects that people on the street are checking him out. He insists that there is a guy who works in the gym has been seriously checking him out for many times. Without his real name, we started to refer him as Andy. I don't believe Yu though. From then on, when we say "see Andy", we mean "go to gym". I really need some working out as I can feel that the fat starts to wrap me up.

So, what should I share today? My dear visitors, have you ever had the thought that at some point you will start a new-life, a totally new life. I have seen many of my friends had this ambition and I have seen many of them ending up disappointed. Hence, I can't help thinking that whether there is something as "starting a totally new life". When we say we want to start a new life, what do we mean? Do we mean we want to abandon all of our past? Do we mean we want to discard all of our beliefs? Do we mean we want to put ourselves into a new world and try to fit ourselves in for dear life? Do we mean we want to be someone who is not us anymore but a totally stranger?

Well, if you were a murderer, you might have those wishes. But when we put our sight to normal people, do those questions apply? Are those what we really want? Yes, we have to admit that sometime a new environment does help but is that all. Do we really want put our hope into something else and rely on it? I doubt the answer is YES for most of us. Questions I listed above are not an option for us to make a so called "new life". It is not that we have to change ourselves into new strangers. If we give up everything of ourselves, we will end up being a disaster with no doubt. Then what makes a new life?

When you wake up one day, try to think of things you never think of; try to speak to the people you never speak to; try to understand those you never understand; try to see the things you never see, and there you are off to something new. Will it be a new life? It might be. But the most important thing is: you are still you and you are off to something new and better. Maybe we should stop chasing the so called "new life" and try to explore something in our existing life. There is no such thing as absolute new life. Everyday is new. Every morning is the new beginning. Every second is possible for something impossible.

Time

I am sitting here again, alone, in my room with a pot of instant coffee. I want to write some thing down but I hesitate. There is something in my mind that I want to share but I am afraid to do so. There is a fight in my mind, at which another me is laughing. Maybe I just need a little more time as they say that time is the universal solution of everything. It is the extreme truth in the human world, just as true as the energy conservation law in physical world. So I think I will just need more time and maybe I will find it easier to be open with it then.

So time, what is this thing? Why does it have this ultimate power that we all say that it is the cure of everything. 'Give it time and it will be fine'. Is it the advice we give to everybody but ourselves? Then what is time anyway?

Physically, time is still a very debatable concept. Many people believe that time is just a element as fundamental as energy and space in the universe. With the existence of time, our world becomes physically 4-dementional. With this cognition, time travelling will be just a matter of 'time'. However, the place I stand, like some of other people of us believe, that time does not exist independently. It is nothing more than a measurement of the change of energy. Thus no energy, no time, which means our world is physically 3-dementional and time travelling is just a matter of 'Sci-Fi'.

Ok, enough geeky stuff. Let's try to think about why time cures. It does not. Try to think a little bit more on this, you will find that it is not time which cures you. You do. When there is a problem, when there is a wound in your mind, time does nothing to it. It is you healing it. When you give it time, you are collecting facts that make you still good; you are thinking that makes you throw away the toxics; you are struggling against the pain to bandage the wound; or you are just being given other interesting things to fill up your mind so as to forget.

Time is a NOT rescue pill you can use. If you don’t help yourself out, time will do nothing but stand beside you and laugh.

Turn Left, Turn Right

Well, as I am having a break from the research at the moment, I think I should take the advice of trying to write something here more often. Actually, I have had something in mind that I thought I may write. I was going to argue something about if we should still keep write paper based letters to our friends or families in this MATRIX world where SKYPE and MSN have been all over the globe. A friend told me that it is so out of time, happy birthday to Lok by the way. Well I had a big speech prepared that I am so sure I will be able to take his idea down, but, again suddenly, something in me is triggered by a song, which I want to share.

I was cleaning my room. I have got a bunch of old CDs that left over by some of my Chinese friends who have finished their study and left. I just randomly put one in my CD player. They are really old songs now, from my college time I think. While I was still fighting in the battle field in my room, a soft and very familiar melody went to me. It was a sound track from a movie and sung by Gigi, a famous singer in Hong Kong. The movie is made from a well known city comic: Turn Left, Turn Right (also known as: A chance of sunshine).

It was such a simple story, a story that can't be simpler. There was a girl and there was a boy. They lived next to each other, where a wall is shared by the building they lived in. They lived in this small city and they went across each other everyday many times. But, she always turned left when she went out the building and he always turned right. She always turned left at the tube station and he always turned right. She always looked at left side in the bus and he always looked at the right side. Just like this, they have been there for on one knows how long but never meet. One day, just that one day, the joke in the heaven came down to the earth. The big shower made them know the existence of each other for the first time in the park. Maybe love did happen on the first sight. At least in their case it did. The shower stopped and they had to go. So they exchanged their numbers. But right after they parted, both of them lost it. Then, in the little city with nothing special, there were two people seeking their love. They were looking everyplace they knew of, everything they could think of. Every night, they were sleepless and sat in their room and listened to the same song. They passed away each other just in the same way while she turned left at the same place where he turned right. Two hearts had finally been broken and the pain made them unable to stay in their city of sadness so both of them decided to leave, in the same day. At that day, the girl left the building and went to the park for the last time and so did the boy. They stood there on the lawn where there was only a big tree separate them. Both of them didn't say a word, didn't know the existence of each other either, and at the end, the girl went left and the boy went right. They never meet again.

I am not going to start on the movie that made it to be a happy ending. Obviously, movie makers are stick to their directions of making money. We all stick to some directions, do we? Maybe they are not as simple as left and right, but they are still there. We take it so naturally and actually we judge others who are on the different tracks. But is that too naive to define people just because they used to turn right but we turn left? We are going in our way so we never see what they see, never think what they think. We will never know them and maybe never meet them. We may miss nothing, but we may miss everything. I am not saying that change whom you are and try everything stupid. However, maybe just one a while, try to walk to the side that you rarely walk, try to read books you rarely read, try to understand something you barely approve of, try to know someone you barely like, and there will be a big surprise waiting for you. Right or left, which way will you go tomorrow?

Dilemma

I haven't written anything here for a while. I was so busy at research for a while, haven't even been sleeping much, and now I have to take a break from all those AI stuff. So what should I write today? I have too many things in my mind that I even find it hard to put something down as a start.
Well, I will have a very relaxing week, no hard working and enjoy a long weekend. This PhD thing is certainly driving me crazy. I think maybe I should just marry the little dumb metal box I have got, by which I mean the little robot I have in the lab. But in another way, it is addictive. The feeling of success is incomparable very time I manage to finish something there. Ah, I guess life is all about dilemma. Every time we face one, we have to choose one side to go. It is gambling really. No matter how rational we claim ourselves choice to be, it is still gambling. Most of us will say that facing a dilemma is one of the things that they hate. But maybe deep in our nature, we are addictive to it, like many of us are addictive to gambling. It is the choice, by knowing choosing one side meaning losing the other side, makes this exciting. The ending is always unknown into a degree. Surprises can always double the happiness, and unfortunately, the same applies to the sadness.
So we all gamble in life. Things barely happen in the way that you can expect. Being random is the rule of the physical world and chaos is the basic of matter. A very interesting Finnish friend of mine claims that he can always find the optimistical sides in a dilemma. Well, I doubt it. If you can see the optimistical sides of both or all the choices facing a problem, it does not really do anything as it won't help to shift the weights among the choices but just give you a feeling that no matter what you choose won't hurt you. Does this have something similar to the so called "beggar's attitude"? A dilemma is a cross road where you have to and you can only go into one directions, all of which are one way road.
For thousands of years, human beings are suffering from the fact that they HAVE TO CHOOSE. In order to remove some of the pressure of deciding our own fate, we developed many tools. Tarot, horoscope etc. are all on the list. Why are we so scared of doing the decision of our own lives? Thinking that the right of doing our own choice has been a fight of every nation for so many years, the intention of asking some unknown force to help us while using such a right is very ironic. Personally, I do have a deck of TAROT and playing it is great fun. There are times that I wish those printed coloured cards can be believable. I am wondering the reason...

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By the way, how many of us have seen Windows 1.04? A friend of mine did a 5 minutes demonstration on his lovely old IBM 5160 XT which was launched 25 five years ago. Have a look of the ancestor of your Windows. Anyway, here is the link on YouTube, just click to watch it: Win 1.04 Demo

The picutre at the right is the picture of the PC. Cool piece, right?

Following Your Head or Your Heart?

Suddenly, I feel like that once naïve 18-yers-old boy again. I am holding the motto of living in real for so long and so hard and now I am falling into a fantasy. My head is struggling but my heart is going away. I am lost and scared. Once again, a big title jumps in front of me: following your heart.
Ok, it is not a movie or some kind of novel where we know that we are going to cry for the happy ending. We are living in a life where things are not working as they are in fairytales. We can't just have a head fever of heart following and lost in the wonderland. Alice had a pair of magic shoes to take her home. She was lucky that a good witch gave them to her but we will have to make our own with every single piece of our heart and swallow the pain seeing those fragile pieces gone with the wind without konwing when we are going to collect them altogether again.
So there is no wonderland for us. Again we live in real and a realistic head is what keeps us safe. Then why is there no such expression as: follow your head. I think it may because when your heart is really beating fast, it sucks the blood all over the body and manages to take over your mind. You still have a choice. However, how many of us can really kill it at the moment before we lose our mind; how many of us can stop wondering if this is the right time, this is truly real, and we are going to end happily? Should we take the risk?
Or maybe we can follow neither. Some of us will say: just enjoy the moment and see how it goes, take it easy. I do believe for me sometime,'take it easy' is something easier said than done. If it makes your heart flying away, it is not something you can just take it easy any more. Heart follower then will argue that if you don't gather the courage, you won't get anything. If you don't try you don't win. I guess so. But if all your past experience tells you that every time your heart has been beating like this the next thing you know is looking for the broken pieces, will the conclusion be the same?
Now, it is just like an illusion for me, like a fountain in a desert, that I don't know if I am cheating myself. My heart is still beating and my head is still struggling. If this makes me a head follower, I don't know how long I can hold the place. Maybe I should write my motto on my face.

Romantic Fantasy

My friend, Yu, was talking about the most romantic scene of his fantasy. He said the scene would be a raining day. He was running for a shelter. Suddenly, out of no where, a careless guy ran into him. Both of them fell over. Yu's documents were then all over the place. The careless guy who was also super handsome kindly helped him to put everything all together. They couldn't help laughing by looking at other and realised how funny they looked in the rain. They went for a warm cup of coffee afterwards and exchanged the number. A great romance of the history then began, at least in Yu's fantasy.

Yu might have watched too much TV. But this is then left to me to think about what is the most romantic scene in my dream. No matter we are aware of it or not, we all have one of such in our mind. So I start digging. There are so many things that are tagged with romance: flowers, champagne, beach, candles, lake…..and raining (apparently). When I am going through all these things I stop my step in front of a little thing, or rather an enormous thing: the star.

I always like just looking at the stars in the dark sky and trying to figure out all the constellations. England has a clear sky. Every time I happen to walk alone in the night, I can't help to raise my head. I look at the stars and I feel calm and peaceful. I can't remember any trouble I was going through in the day. Maybe that's the power of those sparkling fairies of the heaven. If I could, I will find a place to sit down, probably on a lawn and enjoy the moment. I need no drink or smoke to cheer me up. The happiness grows deep from me with no reason. The wrong I have fades and leaves me to be pure and clear. The little diamonds in the sky are magical that block all the sorrows away. They are the witness of countless the most romantic loves and I know they will be mine too.

Right this moment, a gentle breeze passed over and woke me from the fantasy. Suddenly, I felt a piece of me was empty and I started to seek a shoulder to rest, a hand to hold, a face to kiss, and a mind to share. The only thing missing in the romanic scene of mine was someone else. The lawn was still silent and the fairies were still sparkling up there. The romance of mine is still waiting for me in somewhere I haven't passed. So I collected myself and lighted a cigarette, and I realised that it would make me a cheap date.

Destination

If you don't know where you are going, you are going nowhere. Horrifyingly correct isn't it? It is horrifying because when I saw this sentence I just realised that I am going nowhere. Simply because I have no idea of where I am going, all I have done for all this time is becoming nothing. I am scared. So I cool done and think really hard about where is the place I am heading. Mr. Right? That's all I have asked for. I don't know if this really makes an eligible destination. It looks so far away. I don't want to be needy and desperate but a thirst of romance is sucking my blood. But I could not give up my belief and head to seek fun. If it has been my dream since I was born, I want it. If the place where Mr Right is does not need me, I will step farther to look for him. Probably I have made too big a deal out of this. But a fool I may be, a dream I am going to.

Stunning Body

It's about 2 o'clock in the morning. I was woken up by the cold wind through my open window and couldn't go back to sleep again. I know I have to make myself go back to sleep at some point otherwise I won't be able to make the gym tomorrow, which I have to go. Working out is a good thing that I think no one will disagree. I started to go to gym about one year ago and was trying my best to make it three to four times a week. For me, it is not only to have a healthier body but more importantly, a stronger confidence, and this can be the part to make me sallow: I do think that the reason I feel less confident sometime is because of my body build is not good enough.
However, does confidence really have something to do with a stunning body? Rationally we know that personality is what counts. If you win over someone by your stunning body, you get a nice one night stand; if you win over him by your personalities, you get a nice boyfriend. But a stunning body is something you can perceive very easily. All you need to do is watching, targeting, talking up and doing the business, well sometime without the talking up part. Personality however is something you have to dig up or show off. This is the part that you have to use the term know wisely, no matter you are getting to know someone or make someone to know you.
Then, is this to say that if you are off the gay scene and you are targeting something real your personality is enough to give you full self-confidence? I like my personality, caring, witty and other good words you can find in a personal profile can be applied to me as well. But I still feel there is something missing. If we say every people is like a park that you have to go inside to find out the true nature of it, how do we send off our tickets? Here is where a stunning body comes into handy. It's like a brilliant movie preview is so important although it may not really have anything to do with the essence of the film itself. But you get the people to buy the tickets and, at the very least, win yourself a chance.
Here comes to another reason that a stunning body can easily fills up my need for confidence. We know that with such a body, the tickets are definitely going out with no problems but we never know if our guests are going to enjoy the inside of the park or not. The body is relatively a very simple matter. If it is stunning, very body is going to like it. But the same does not apply to the personality. First of all, there is something called a perfect body but there is ''no such thing as a perfect personality. You never know how other people judge yourself and there is not list of 'criteria you can follow, though at body building you have. Every gym coach will be more than happy to give you such criteria that are the guidance to the stunning body, at least the guidance they think leads to a stunning body.
So maybe, this is the real thing. A stunning body is easy to achieve and I know exactly how people will react to it and thus I feel more confident with it as what I am expecting is predictable. Or should this so called confidence here be better interpreted into feeling of safety? This may sound like fool myself but anyway, I like a good body and I am going to gym in the afternoon and so it is the time for going back to sleep now.

Romance

The Lake House, what can I say? Another spoiled commercial Hollywood happy ending movie? I don't want to judge the movie itself because I am very sure lots of people will do it for us and much more professionally. They story was good and I suspect that the original South Korea one was a tragedy because that is just so South Korean (the one I watched was the Hollywood remake). After the movie, however, I have got a big question mark: is such romance really possible to take place in real life, of course not the time part (if you watched it, you will know what I mean).
A man falls in love with a woman through letters; plus a dance and a kiss. For this he is keeping a promise for years. For this, he is paying his life. Are there people actually buying this or is it just me that stars to lose faith in romance? I believe in romance. A candle dinner is what I call it a romance. A Valentine's Day present is what I call it a romance. However, a story that two people are like soul mates and are coming to meet from thousands away won’t convince me.
Ironically, I claim that I am aware of the cruelty of world and not believing such romance that has died in the 80's films with the dust but I find in my true mind, I am waiting for it. I am actually waiting for one. I am saying that I do not believe soul mate. I do not. Monica in Friends made a very sensible statement that there are no people who are just made for each other. We work for our relationship and sometime, we work really hard. But I am finding that me, right here, right now is waiting for one. It has been so long that this has become my excuse of why I am still complaining my bachelorhood.
But again, I still enjoyed the happy ending though a sad one would've made the movie much better.