I AM Pessimistic

I thought what I wanted was so simple yet every step I took towards it was so difficult and the outcome was always less ideal or rather disappointing for many occasions. Being an atheist, I could only believe it was somewhat fate. Fate is, however, such a tricky idea. It is rather sarcastic for some atheists like me who believes no supreme power beyond our mind but think there is such matter as fate somewhere controls our uncontrollable existences. I too found it foolish and had endeavoured to actively challenge it but I was less convinced by the results of my efforts. Therefore I concluded that it must have been my expectations being so high that I ended up unsatisfied.

As a consequence, and also as a result of brought up by my father, I have grown this habit of picturing the worst outcomes of things all the time and getting myself repaired for such scenarios. In short, I am very realistic, although most of my friends disagree and crown me as pessimistic. In my defence, this is simply a form of self-protection mechanism. Equipping myself with imaginable least ideal consequences prevent me from being upset from less ideal results. A friend of mine once told me that all I was enjoying was the surprise given by the outcome of something, which at the end was proven better than I had expected. He might be right.

It is actually just a strong form of insecurity. It might be, in fact, caused by my strong desires of the best outcomes, which led to my disappointment and not being able to believe myself again. It does sound sad and it probably makes it sadder when I am, now, speaking of it out loud, not very proudly though. But of course I am not such a sad little thing in all respects. I am extremely confident about the utterly odd Neural Network online learning framework I proposed in my PhD research. Well, I am confident that it is odd enough, at the very least. So, the light of hope is there somewhere after all, and I will propose to my PhD thesis tomorrow. I’d have to get a ring tonight somewhere.

By the way, happy Chinese New year. It is going to a splendid year of rat.

A Long Day. Really?

At this point, I really want to call someone up so that I can moan to them about how long my day was. Then I remembered that I need to keep a happy image basically because I complain my life way too much. Once on the phone, a friend asked how I was doing. I replied that I was actually very good. He cried out loud: what is wrong with you? That should give you a idea.

It was a long day. Actually, I had a long page full of what exacutly had made me exhausted. But when I finished it and read it through, I felt stupid. There was nothing serious and important at all but some little trouble you can expecte to go through everyday (well, second thought, probably you won't expect to have your kitchen flooded everyday). Something must be wrong with me. Many friends of mine told me that I have a pessimistic view of life. Maybe it has gone to some extreme now? I won't believe that. I rather think my view has always been objective and they are just too optimistic. So maybe it is just my life at the moment is stressing and makes my unhappy. Now, this is something else that I'd rather not say because I think it makes me sound rather pathetic.

Maybe a little bit more on this tomorrow but I have to sleep now. No matter what my mental state or view is, I am physically exhausted. Lots of things ahead tomorrow.

I Am Judgmental

I am judgemental. I judge everything I encounter as well as everybody I meet. Many of us think that being judgemental is a bad thing. People often collect judgement to discriminations and prejudices. Judgemental has become a negative term for those hard-headed and short-sighted shallow people.

I can't play deep. It is far too tiresome to bear and emotionally impossible for me. As long as I don’t be shallow when I think I am being deep, it will make me less a clown. I am short-sighted as well. The big pair of glasses on my nose are there for a reason. Hard-head? I am a PhD student on AI and robotics. How soft can you expect my head to be? So, facts have again proven that I am judgmental.

I am judgmental, yet I am respectful still. The judgements that I draw are kept to myself. I won't say my attitude towards people is not influenced by my judgments. But there is little reason to force ourselves to like everybody we met. I actually know such a person who tries to like every single human being he encounters and to not judge at all in any sense. That is barely a positive attitude of existence, being judgmental here if I may.

I judge because I am made of principles. Those principles emerge and change along with my growing-up, my education and my life experiences. My recognition of this world is based on fitting my perceptions to my principles, which forms my process of judging. Hence I read good and bad, right and wrong, though which I interpret the world I am living in. Such interpretation offers me awareness of my own existence.

However, judgment can indeed be shallow and superficial as people say. My big-worded discussion of me being judgmental doesn't me any better in this matter. I am wrong all the time, especially when it comes down to the judgment of a person. There is nothing more exciting and more surprising than a living human being can be. So I always stand corrected. It is rather exciting to update my judgment about a person and refreshing my knowledge of their nature.

So, if you know me, unfortunately, you've been judged. Yet am I judged as well? what will my label be?

An Unhealthy Desire

Desire, is always a temping word. I have many desires. Who don't? I desire for career, for money, for a ridiculously big mansion and all the other usual clichés. And I also share the desire with millions of single people, the relationship. But, just all of sudden, I found that my desire of such has become so unhealthy and I am starting to worry about it.

Love experts who write columns at some news paper's 10th or 100th page must have the ability to list out hundreds of reasons for the existence of the desire for relationship, based on all perspectives: science, emotion, horoscope, big fat crystal ball, and so forth. I don't really read columns that often, so I was trying to work out where I got such strong desire of relationship and trying to save me a few pennies for paying news papers. Oh yeah, I am cheap alright.

If you prepare to continue your reading, I have to warn you that the following sound awful, strange, and don't make me good at all. So if you love me, please don't proceed because you will end up feel sorry for me. If you hate me, do not proceed, because that will just make you way too happy.

Well, here goes, the first reason: I think my desire for relationship is because being single is always the thing, which I am blame. Strange, isn't it? I guess every one of us has the period of time that everything is just not working out. We are not saint. We try to find something to blame. My unfortunate bachelorhood is what I can grab. I always thought that were I coupled, my life would’ve been so much easier. Even with my pea-sized brain, I know it is naive. But I just can't stop wandering. Ok, if you are laughing too hard, I will have to ask to you stop drooling for the sake of your keyboard, in case it has run out of warranty.

The second I shall say is jealousy. That's even stranger. This probably contributes to the amplifying of my desire. Simply speaking, most of my friends are either married or coupled. Technically, as a good friend as I am, I should be happy for them. I seriously do. The feeling of jealousy just coming as buy one get one free, something you can't help. Is it just lucky to be my friend? Hopefully, most of them don't read my blog. This feels like that when I was then, very kid was getting their own bike and I then wanted a bike of mine so much. I's like I have turned everything into a competition and I am loosing if I am the one who is single. I know this must have made my brain shrinks even more. Btw, Jyri, I am seriously happy for you.

Now, we come to the third. Well, just for the goodness's sake, I will put down reason as the old rotted saying of looking for love, looking for company and other blahs. The feeling of loneliness does hit me more frequently. Well, I cuddle my pillow and I have survived so far. Sadly, my pillows didn't make it. May those I trashed rest in peace.

I have been trying so hard in the writing of this not to use the word ‘desperate’. I think that really makes me sounds bad. But now, I realise it doesn't make a difference now. I'd go and wipe out the big L O O S E R off my face. You have had enough fun here. Go home!

I was! I am. I will be?

I am really busy at the moment. I feel everything get so mixed up that I have got myself stuck in the middle of a spider web, struggling for a way out. However, when I was talking this to Jyri, he made it seemed like such a simple problem that all I was worrying about was no more than a high school student facing a coming exam. Is that so? Am I still that naughty boy who will only get active before the deadline? I thought I have been growing, a lot. I thought I should have had a very sensible and mature mind as a 24-years-old. All those things I was telling him were those I thought I had a reasonable knowledge of, but it turned out to be frustrating. Have I really been growing? Well, certainly my height hasn't, but even my mind?

Just today, I got a mail from a friend. It was saying something about how he was falling in love with the totally run person. This really reminded me of how I used to be the same. Those might be heart breaking but they are such precious experience. I got a flash back of those old times and then I try to get a mirror to look into. I want look into my own eyes and ask: how much have you changed?

I sit back and put on some music. I am dong nothing but trying to think through myself. I want to write down a lot about what I was and what I am. However I feel lack of words or rather lack of idea to do so. But I don't how and where I get this feeling that I am no more than what I was. With years of experiencing in this sophisticate world, I have been developing. I have developed many shells to wrap me up tightly and safely. Those shells protect me. But they are selfish, arrogant, aggressive and short-sighted. I tired very hard to rip off those shells and to find out what is inside and I saw it. It is the person I was. Inside, I have never changed. I was going to share more about that person but one of my shells grew back and cut off my mind.

There was a short tale in the internet telling people the story of how a young boy was falling in love with wrong people and how he got his heart broken and how he recollected them back again bitterly. It was telling the story of how a young boy was viewing the world regardless to all the devils. It was telling the story of how a young boy was picturing the fantasy of his life. When the world shuts in the midnight, when the moonlight goes through the window, when the cigarette extinguishes in the ash tray, the music brings up my old memories. At this very moment, I know that: the one I was, the one I am.

Who will I be?

Monogamy or Polyamory

Polyamory is such a rare word. Apparently, poly is the Greek for many and amor is Latin for love. Homosapiens are smart because we make things simpler. So another equivalent (but technically not identical) of this word was coined in 1972 by Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill in their book: Open Marriage. Unfortunately, marriage is not a concept well developed for gay people (no matter what is the reason), so another phrase comes along. Please meet out guest today, here goes: OPEN RELATIONSHIP.
Open relationship denotes a relationship (usually between two people) in which participants are free to take other partners (mainly sexual); where the couple making this agreement are married, it is an open marriage. Open relationship has been so well used inside of gay community and people may actually suspect that it is made for gay people. Monogamy is not something to mention in straight world. They follow it as instincts, moral and as stated by law. Although the law does not regulate the relationship, it regulates marriage. So is the existence of marriage justifies the existence of monogamy or just because homosexual is off the common route and marrige is barely the regulation for us so the conventional moral doesn't apply? My brain does not give me answer.
Gay practitioners of open relationship are actually smart. The relationship itself is still about two people. They love each other (at least, most of them claim so). The only thing different is they are not bounded by sex. Each of them are free to sleep with other people. Is that brilliant that suddenly, the love and the sex are totally separated?
Of course, it will be hard to argue that sex and love are inherent to each other. We don't love everyone we slept with. But is there a point that we finally find someone that we want to sleep with for the rest of our lives? How many times we have seen in a movie that right at the wedding day, the bride or groom finally find out the feeling of sleeping with the same person for the rest of their lives and freak out. Is that sad that if they just practice an open relationship, none of them will be bothered?
I think it is beautiful when they finally overcome it and realise nothing will get in their way of the commitment. I do believe that real sex means something more than fluid exchange. Under the vow of commitment, two people decided to be with each other and sacrifice their possible sexual fun out there for each other. Is this one of the point of commitment, well conventionally? Is it a concept that romance has adopted forever? I don't have anything against the polyamorist; people have the rights to choose their lifestyle. However, every time I put the term completely monogamous in my profile, I feel strange. Why are the monogamists putting down extra notes but not the open-relationship parishioners to mark polyamory in theirs? Again, that may be something beyond my understanding.
So, reader, if I have any, monogamy or polyamory, what will be your choice?

Smoking

I am a smoker. But I think I am still a good boy because I started smoke after my 18. The first time I tested this little smoking tip was the time when my heart was first broken. The problem was simple. I fall in love with one of my best straight mates. He found out and cut me out of his life. I was devastated back to that time. But now I think it is kind of funny. What an unprofessional gay that made me, to fell in love with a straight guy.

Now, that was no more than some dusted memory that makes me laugh sometimes but smoking is something left over by it, which I can't get rid of. I am not a strong smoker but I smoke. Unlike alcohol or drugs that make people high, cigarette is a dose of calmness to make me cool down and think better. Well, I think a lot. Actually, as a research student, I think that is all I do. But surprisingly, gym makes me smoke less though it won't take the cigarette out of my life. I am addictive to it. Well, smokers are barely immune to its addiction though one of my friend is, which I still find it very hard to believe.

This addiction to me is the addiction of calm and peaceful moments. We do have moments of these without smoking but I need more. I hope that does not make me greedy. I am emotional, judgmental and I have my baggage (wow it is a big one with a very dull robot). Thus before I have the moment to erase all my emotions off with a huge hang over, I need to cool down. I don't force the feelings (at least I am trying my best). I know what harm it will do if we just press all the feelings deep in our mind (I will tell you the story of my grandma one day…). Smoking helps me to get rid of the emotions softly.

However, another drawback of smoking is I can't eat fried chicken anymore. I do like fried chicken a lot. But after I saw a report said the harm done by eating a fried chicken leg is equivalent to smoke 60 cigarettes I decided to save most of my health to smoke. I might quit one day and have a big reunion with fired-chicken eaters. However, that will need a much stronger reason than my health.

By the way, below is a picture I found very interesting on the web today.